


A million things

by Killian44peeta



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Aquariums, Bad Parenting, Boyfriends, Break Up Talk, Child Neglect, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Dogs, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Homophobia, Long-Distance Relationship, Love, M/M, Not Beta Read, One Shot, Original Character(s), Original Character-centric, Past Relationship(s), References to Depression, Romance, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27901174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killian44peeta/pseuds/Killian44peeta
Summary: The blonde almost drops the glass when he sees the red hair, slightly curly, of the other, which are longer and more messy than he remembered.But also the iris' chocolate shade... Even that looks different, although it has a strange familiarity that attracts him like a magnet and from which - precisely for this reason - he wishes to be able to escape from.And the freckles... Have they always been so many?Once, he remembers it very well, he used to compare them with the constellations, those little reddish dots that sow the face of his lover.His skin is of an absurdly milky color, slightly red towards the nose.Has Theo always been so pale?He has to admit, he has no idea.He's not sure, that's it: he hardly remembers it anymore.
Relationships: Theo/Richard, Theoric (A million things)
Kudos: 4





	A million things

The boy repeatedly looks at the clock, observes it, lowers his head and then, in one way or another, his gaze returns to the ticking object, marking the time.

A sigh escapes his mouth, quick and impossible to hold back, before he goes to nibble on his lower lip and moves the blond lock from one eye, which torments him as usual.

Every time a minute passes, the countdown moving inside his head seems to slow down in its speed.

It almost seems to him that time has grown tired of running and therefore has become less and less fast, even coming to a halt.

Because, in fact, despite seven years have passed since that day, they have almost flown away for him, exactly the opposite of the ten minutes that must pass now.

Those damned seven years that at the beginning he had seen as infinity, the most insuperable distance of all, had instead disappeared between commitments with the bar, jobs for his aunt and her kennel and between Christmases spent in the family, always receiving the same questions of fake interest. 

<< How is Theo doing? Did you hear him? Is everything okay between you two? >>

And above all, with the exact same answer.

<< Good. I called him yesterday. Yes, everything is fine >>

And it was always true.

It was.

Generally, it's always him the one who called, him who pressed the green button, hoping that the other would answer soon.

And that answer he craved so much, he generally received it.

But if it's true that Theo is fine and above all that their relationship is still perfect as in the seven years before, he is no longer sure.

Because if at first they called each other so often that those thousand minutes of phone calls were canceled in less than two weeks, in the last three years they had become less and less in their number, more and more short, more and more... _Cold_.

Cold as the white veil that has spread on the ground during the frosty night that has just passed, a night that has led him to hastily stuff himself with blankets and various plaids, covering himself to the point of looking like a roll.

Cold as the words of his parents and brother since they found out that he is gay.

And for this very reason, he cannot help but fear that the rift in these conversations has frozen even their relationship.

It could be, after all, he has always said this to himself, as negative as he is, that nothing lasts forever.

How could it even be just a coincidence, in fact.

The confirmation or destruction of this idea, however, is no longer so far away.

The door opens with the usual ringing, which causes the boy to raise his baby blue eyes from the glass he has grabbed during the progress of his thoughts, crossing a figure covered by a jacket, hat and a purple scarf, which shakes the snow away from his own clothes.

The blonde almost drops the glass when he sees the red hair, slightly curly, of the other, which are longer and more messy than he remembered.

But also the iris' chocolate shade... Even that looks different, although it has a strange familiarity that attracts him like a magnet and from which - _precisely for this reason_ \- he wishes to be able to escape from.

And the freckles... _Have they always been so many?_

Once, he remembers it very well, he used to compare them with the constellations, those little reddish dots that sow the face of his lover.

His skin is of an absurdly milky color, slightly red towards the nose.

Has Theo always been so pale?

He has to admit, he has no idea.

He's not sure, that's it: he hardly remembers it anymore.

At times the perfect image that has been engraved inside his mind for all those time seems almost blurred, distant, like a hole at the center of his head that is ready to engulf every single other memory.

The " _Theo_ " who he finds in front of him is no longer the seventeen years old who had stirred his heart during his high school days, he is no longer the kid who had started throwing small rocks at the window of his room on his birthday just to ask him to go out with him.

He is not even the one who told him he was going to continue his scientific studies in another city, a city too far away for him to visit him - and his family ... Well, they did not wanted him to take the flight, not talking about his fear of being on an airplane. Just thinking about it makes him feel like he's gonna have a panic attack. 

He is not _them_.

The " _Theo_ " in front of him is a more mature man, with hints of a beard decorating his cheeks, more masculine features and a much more developed body, which is clearly shown by the gray sweatshirt underneath the black jacket dropped on the hanger placed on the back entrance to the venue.

<< Richard >> Theo calls him, snatching a slight gasp from the nominated one that seems to almost die between his lips, accompanied by a shiver that runs along his entire spine.

The blond therefore begins to advance, awakening from the moment of confusion that grabbed him at the beginning, leading him to slowly reach the now man in front of him.

Every step he takes, just like every minute that tortured him before, seems slow, almost in a slowmotion, but it is definitely only anxiety that makes him perceive it in this way.

As much as the other seems a stranger to him, perhaps for the really too many differences, perhaps for the time that passed from their last meeting, his head and his chest makes him feel just like the first time he saw him, long ago: strange, out of this world, as if he was not touching not even the earth...

Those pleasant, unique sensations, however, mixed with another one that he can't control and that has only just been added.

 _Discomfort_.

Discomfort because he doesn't know now what he should do.

He has dreamed of this event so many times... That now that it's true, he can hardly believe it.

It is as if he can't really grasp the concept, for fear that it's a mere illusion created by himself and his desire, which still reminds him of what he was when he was a minor.

Yet, neither he is a seventeen anymore, time has passed for everyone, even for Richard himself.

<< I'm happy to see you again >> continues Theo, his expression turning into a kind smile << I missed you >>

At other times he would have smiled too, jokingly retorting something, and then responding to the affection with a << I missed you, too. I love you >> but Richard's mind seems like a bubble : empty, silent, devoid of any comments he might make.

Thoughts doesn't connects, everything doesn't seem to work as he would like it to.

He knows that if he wanted to, he could say aloud everything that, in those years, he never tried to communicate seriously on the phone.

He knows that if he managed to put the emotion aside, most likely saying a word, it wouldn't even be that complicated.

In fact, Theo had usually always been the one capable of snatching all kinds of amorous saps from him: with him, the awkward and stammering shyness became just a memory, buried by laughter and some affectionate spite, some playful teasing that always ended in a hug or a kiss or even a far more intimate moment.

But now... Something is wrong.

<< Hi >>

He can only say that, Richard's voice doesn't croak out anything else.

A word, when in reality he could have said a million things, while mentally insulting himself for his own stupidity, for his inability to formulate a long and sensible sentence, perhaps comic or sweet, perhaps stupid, something that breaks his shield, that warms him and therefore destroy the sudden void that envelopes him .

And he even insults himself for the embarrassment he feels and which is creating that distance that he would not want there to be; because what he sees, to his eyes, seems unreachable, as if positioned on a high platform, when it shouldn't be like this. 

Theo, at the blond's eyes , does not seem to show any kind of concern for the answer given to him, just as if he really was positioned on that platform, impossible to shake, on the contrary of him. 

Richard feels as if he is collapsing, piece by piece falling on the ground, disintegrating, and he doesn't even understand why.

<< This is the time you finish work, right? Was I wrong? >> Theo asks in response to his greeting.

Richard shakes his head, eventually managing to speak, despite the emptiness that seems to dig into his brain as if it were a spoon.

<< You weren't wrong >> he pauses briefly, while turning the fabric of his white sweater in his hands, playing with it to release the tension << I just finished my shift, just let me return the keys to the boss >>

<< Okay. I'll wait here >>

*

The city, covered by snow, looks almost statuesque, enveloped in a light of its own so bright as to blind him, which makes it beautiful and pure, but at the same time as if it was dead, just like a some kind of heaven on earth.

There is hardly a soul, only a few birds flying from tree to tree or towards the sky, the Christmas lights that decorates the almost empty shops and very few customers - most of them in cars - who come and go for buying the last missing gifts in the last afternoon minutes of that twenty-fourth December.

The blond hides his face in the dark blue scarf, trying to capture a little bit of warmth from the fabric, as the rhinitis that he has makes him feel the coldness and humidity twice as it should, so much so that he perceives his nostrils on fire with the contact of the winter current.

Both of his gloved hands are hidden into the pockets of his blazer in a desperate attempt to not feel them turn into icicles.

He is unable to meet the other's gaze: he feels that the redhead is observing him carefully, but he is unable to answer him without destroying the contact in, at least, three seconds.

They have been walking for a few minutes, but those have been entirely crossed by an almost total silence, interrupted only by the sound of the boots sinking into the snow.

Only when he arrives at a red light, near to an intersection, Theo addresses him, breaking the quietness that was heavily putted on them.

<< What do you think of going to the aquarium? It's the first thing I'd like to see, after all this time >>

The blond opens his eyelids wide at this sentence without even wanting to, while a heartbeat escapes him.

The aquarium has always been _their place_.

They had gone there on their first date, on their anniversary, after the coming out, on the empty afternoons when they just wanted to be together without being disturbed, as if isolated from the rest of the population, and... on the last day they met, little before departure.

Richard had always loved going there with Theo: he had always loved staring at the fishes, watching them dance with their thousand shades of colors in the crystal clear water, hiding among the algae.

It had always relaxed him to be there, he was able to clear his mind of all his thoughts, and the two of them always ended up wasting hours there.

After the departure, the blond had never gone there.

Not a day in those seven years he had spent at the aquarium.

He hadn't even tried, not even to say hello to the old owner who fed the animals, perhaps because of the idea that he would miss his boyfriend more than he already was by approaching it.

He had always preferred to try to keep himself busy rather than go there.

But now Theo is there with him, so... Why not?

He misses that place so freaking much and it's not even that far away.

<< Yes. Gladly >> if anything, he sinks his chin deeper into the collar, feeling the redhead's hand that goes to lean on his arm.

He does not move into the slight touch and does not chase it away, even if a lump gets stuck in his throat and his gaze travels over the head of the shoes, as if they suddenly became the most interesting thing of all.

That strong, stubborn and irritating discomfort continues to jump up inside him, despite the other's touch should instead fill him with joy for the well-known sensation it brings.

<< Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for the last few periods >> Theo says, coughing slightly to clear his throat as the red light turns green, allowing them to cross the lines << The university and the courses have exhausted me. Being on the books for almost sixteen hours per day, the rest of the time I ended up spending it sleeping >>

<< Ah. >> Richard pauses, his eyelids fluttering twice << So that's why you're so pale? >> he asks, a little worried << You haven't been out very often, I guess >>

<< No, not at all. In fact, although there was the sea, I would have gone there a few times... eight or nine, I think, not totally sure about the exact number though, in the space of seven years. And they were mostly in the early period >>

<< With how much did you get out, in the end? >>

<< Ninety-four out of a hundred >> he asserts, hastily << An acquiescence of mine managed to get a hundred with praise >>

<< A friend? >> ventures the blond, trying not to feel strange at the idea that, yes.

Once upon a time, Theo's friends he knew them all, but now most of them are just names, broken faces, question marks that will most likely remain unfilled.

<< No. Never seen a human being with so much hypocrisy inside his body >> Theo laughs, Richard hints at a slight smile, which then turns into a sort of thoughtful grimace.

<< You, instead? Have you had any news in the recent years that you haven't told me about? >>

Good question.

Richard didn't mention many things in those calls.

Richard preferred to put them aside, as they never seemed particularly important to him.

<< My aunt and my mother had a fight. Andrea, a few months ago, had brought another stray at home and did not want to put him in the kennel. She said he wouldn't survive in a cage if she putted him there, because that dog had been lonely for too long. But, in any case, the dog died in his sleep within two days, even without being in a cage, no evident reasons. He had no disease or anything. >>

It's just one of the many things that happened to him: certainly not one of the most important.

But probably the blond will never talk about his sessions at the psychologist, due to the decisive worsening of many of his mental aspects.

The parents had even tried to put the fault on his being homosexual - they never said it out loud when he was with them, but still, they did when they thought he couldn't hear them -, but if the blond had to correct them, he would simply have said that his sexuality had absolutely nothing to do with his total lack of self-confidence and his extreme negativity.

These poisonous thoughts were certainly not derived from his tastes, but from the despair towards a father who called him a freak of nature, from the mother who pretended to be understanding and positive for his choices, but who then at certain moments, when she was alone, was crying because 'she had a wrong child' and by his brother who looked at him as a waste of space, as rotten food, ready to be thrown into the trash.

Andrea was the only one to really supported him, also because she had two best friends, Alicia and Victoria, who were together and she had put aside the concept of " _perfect_ " love, calling it non-existent.

<< Then? >> asks the redhead, urging him to advance in the conversations, adding even a quick movement of his head.

<< One of the closet door of my wardrobe fell like ten days ago >>

<< While you were in the room? >>

<< Yes. It was like one o'clock, I think. It fell on Pet's bed. Luckily, he wasn't there, but sleeping at a friend's house after a party. If he was, he would have ended up at the hospital. It scared the hell out of me >>

The conversation drags on to the aquarium building.

It arises in his eyes as if, at least that, had hardly ever changed.

The first thing that catches the eye it's the figure of a dolphin that decorates the wall next to the door, finished in detail, with the word 'open' in soft italics on the sign on top of it that recalls the movement of the waves.

There is a faint atmosphere of calm inside the building, Richard senses it as soon as he enters.

That place smells of sea and _home_ , smells of emotion, of habit, which almost manages to be touched, to be felt.

Richard and Theo look for the owner, but instead of the old man there is the niece, easy recognizable by certain details that the blond still remembers of the old man's features.

She resemble him a lot. 

The woman is a brunette, tall and young in her twenties, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, buried inside an ocher shawl and accompanied by a long pearl-colored skirt.

The 20-year-old welcomes them with a little bit forced smile, probably because she is tired to work on Christmas and would pretty much prefer to get back home. 

<< If you need something, just ask >> she says, then hands them the itinerary that the two know by heart, but which they still accept out of politeness.

Immediately after doing so, Richard and Theo take their leave, walking deeper inside the aquarium with bewitched expressions.

Richard is fully hypnotized by the view that appears in front of him and he can't take his eyes off the glass that divides the rooms from the water.

<< Do you remember when we first came and touched the manta rays? >> Theo asks, chuckling slightly.

<< Yes. They were poisonous, we didn't see the 'do not touch' sign. Our luck was that they didn't do anything to us >> Richard can't help laughing, too. 

<< Indeed. They probably wanted to cuddle too, after seeing all the normal manta rays getting some from the spectators >>

The two look at each other, smiling widely - both of them -, then returning to observe the various sections with the species of fish.

Then they go to their room.

_The one in which they had their first kiss._

Theo goes to join his hand with Richard's, who quivers at the contact, immediately stops smiling, returning to the initial state that seemed to have disappeared with the advance, but which apparently is as if it were a vicious circle , always ready to grab him by the throat and make him feel badly, like he couldn't breathe, like he wanted to scream until his throat was sore, but still nothing could came out, because he had no clue about what exactly he wanted to say out loud.

Richard would like to have everything be as it was before.

Richard would love to undo his chaotic nervousness, but it seems that, for the moment, it is not possible yet.

Without saying anything, they enter the room in the round and sit on the bench in the center of it.

The blond is back to his stare, down to his feet, to the light brown parquet.

He no longer even looks at the fishes, he simply observes the ground, swallowing the lump of anxiety mixed with saliva that has begun to form in his throat again.

They remain there, still, motionless, in the most blatant and unbearable of silences, which has returned to fall on them like a cloak, weighing more than a boulder on their backs.

Those moments are slowing down again in the blond's head.

Those moments are coming back to haunt him, just as they did when he was waiting for Theo to arrive.

<< There is something wrong, huh >> the redhead comments suddenly, taking him by surprise and totally attracting his attention.

Their eyes meet: those of Theo are full of sadness and regret, totally different from the initial calmness.

Richard doesn't breathe at all, doesn't open his mouth, also because he feels that the other will continue to speak and because, at the same time, denying what he said would definitely be lying.

And the blond has never been a good liar.

<< Seven years have been many, perhaps too many, for you >> he continues << And your silence confirms it. During all these years, I... I have wanted nothing more than to return to you, to see you again, to hear your real voice and not only listen to it from a phone, to be able to touch you as I once did. Maybe... >>

Theo pauses and frowns, a melancholy expression making its way across his face.

<< Maybe it will never happen. Because of all the things you could do, your silence is what hurts me the most. I would prefer you, a thousand times more, to yell at me, to tell me all the reasons why now you no longer even want me to touch you with a finger, to insult me with all the shit that probably crossed your mind while you were here and I wasn't. >> he closes his eyes and pauses << But you don't ... And I can only imagine the thousand things that could be in your head right now. So, before we both fuck this up really badly, before we can't even call our names, let's just end it here >>

Theo gets up from the bench and, with a quick gesture, places his hands on the hips of the other and his lips on the forehead of the blond in a very delicate manner. 

Richard doesn't even have time to add up all the things Theo has said at the last moments - and that are overlapping into his head, one after the other - that after that quick kiss on his forehead, the redhead goes away. 

Theo goes, disappear like a smoke cloud from his sight, leaving him alone again, abandoned to himself, just like in all those seven years.

Because that's exactly how the blonde felt all that time, not even realizing it.

 _Abandoned_.

*

Not willing to wait?

Not willing to accept that he needed to take his time to get out of his confusion?

Just not willing?

Maybe Theo was all of this.

Or maybe, in a certain way, Theo was right.

Their relationship could not have returned to how it was before in those years, he feels it himself, also because of his inability to be with his partner without perceiving himself in the most total of discomforts.

If you didn't feel good about your partner, with who the hell should you feel good, then?

Their story was like the closed chapter of a book.

A chapter that only sent him melancholy, that filled his heart with expectations for something that had been interrupted for too long, like a dry painting that you can't just pick up from where it was, because it would only get ruined.

Yet Richard, while he feels isolated from the rest of the cheerful chatter - and for him it's fake, it's always fake - of his family, watching them cut slices of cake, pandoro and many other types of sweets on the wood table and then hand out the presents, can't take his thoughts off Theo.

He can't stop feeling his eyes burn at the thought that everything has gone to hell, like this, between silence and chaos at the same time.

He can't accept that he will not be able to see the other smirk at him, that he will not be able to hear him speak, laugh, swear at the fans of basketball players who always park under his house every Friday evening and who do not even pay the ticket, to not be able to joke with how he always orders the usual dish in pizzerias, never managing to finish it.

Not being able to be with him seems too difficult, to say it simple it's actually impossible, like surviving in your own freezing world without the smallest flame that can even warm it.

So he goes to put his hands inside his pockets, burying the feeling of emptiness and winter that takes hold of his limbs even more than before: despite being at home, he cannot take off his blazer.

And he simply notices the small red and gold package that is inside, well wrapped, with a note attached by a string that dangles from it.

There is a single sentence above it, enough to stop his breathing again, for the thousand times of the day, and leave it there, looking at it with a dazed expression, so much so that Andrea asks him if he's okay and he can't even hear her.

It is nothing that, as a sentence, well... it is not something that is nowhere to be found, indeed, it is a sentence that he has heard from so many people that at times it makes him sick, but- That one writing is simply a pleasant, warm breeze, however, that makes its way into him.

" _Merry Christmas, Richard_." 

*

A pebble collides with the surface of the glass, emitting a thud, followed by another and another.

Theo thought he had imagined it at first.

He believed it was his head, flooded with memories that seem to hijack and drown it, that sent them back to him, as if he were throwing them again.

But they continue, the pebbles, one after the other, follow one another, leading him to get up from the chair with wheels that he has always used to work on the computer.

He approaches, therefore, somewhat uncertainly, to the window, moving the curtains and finding himself opening the shutters more quickly than necessary.

The blond is next to the house, with his hand full of those small silver stones, his blue eyes that shine beneath his disheveled gold hair and the blush that runs through his entire face.

It has a different expression.

Different from what he unwittingly had all afternoon, different from what he had at the end, when Theo decided to leave the aquarium, feeling his heart and head scream at him for the terrible bullshit he had done.

He didn't want to leave.

He didn't want to drop him there.

But he couldn't help but think of his partner, wondering if he was really happy, which he seemed not to be.

And he honestly understood it, he himself understood that he could no longer feel anything that moved them when they were together.

Seven years is a long time, after all.

Theo spent practically all of them thinking about the blonde and studying, he never managed to detach from either of them, or at least, from the hard working he could have, but if he did, his average would have suffered somewhat and the idea was definitely not to his liking, also because he had decided to open a doctor's office in the city where Richard himself was, so that no one could keep him away again, not even his work.

But if the seven years had taken them off from the start, he would have understood it, he would have come to terms with it.

So, he simply left him one last goodbye kiss, simultaneously tucking his Christmas present into his jacket, even though Richard hated them, the gifts, and he was gone, preventing his selfishness from taking over.

But... Now Richard was there, under his house, with that expression that seemed to be the one he had when he had accepted his first date.

<< Let's start over >>

Because if it was not possible to pick up where they were before, a chapter now closed, they could always start a new one.


End file.
